So, as you can see I have very few readers on Tumblr,prolly cuz I don’t promote it like I do my WP, I also have a Blogspot Blog, that one is a BDSM for beginners or just the curious. I have neglected all my blogs lately, partly due to my career, just finished shooting a music video and froze my piddly ass off, I live in Saskatchewan, Canada, and it is very close to winter here it is currently 4 degrees here and raining.
I been having relationship issues, I got hurt cuz of a clueless 20 something sjw, I was having a conversation on FB with a transman, I am actually very knowledgeable about trans issues and the medical side of things, I am also older and wiser than the know it all 20 something, that is twice that little bitch went after me unjustly, the first time was over something that was going on with my then Daddi, my Mamma and me, needless to say that bitch cost me my relationship with my Mamma twice.
there won’t be a third time cuz if she ever talks to me or even comments on any of my social media I will fly to the USA and give her a very physical attitude adjustment, sad, I really truly cared for her and thought of her as my little sister at one time, she is either one of my Mamma’s littles or a friend, I don’t personally care cuz that is none of my business and I am pretty sure my Mamma knows not to have me in the same building as that little sjw twat.
I brought that up because, yes I am back with Mamma, who I truly love and want to marry ( I can do that because this is Canada we don’t have the same hang ups as the a tad backwards USA does)<<<not being an ass, just stating a simple fact>>> but because of that little dumbass sjw, my relationship with Mamma is very different, it’s strained to say the least, we don’t talk much or spend much time together anymore, I don’t think I am as important to her as I once was, this last separation I actually removed my collar, I know that really hurt my Mamma, I also know it was very disrespectful and wrong, I keep hanging around hoping things will turn around, but I fear we drifted too far apart now, but as long as there is hope then there is a chance to save us and our relationship.
I am really lonely, I live out in the countryside and am quite isolated. my Mamma lives in the USA, if I want to see her I have to travel to her, I can’t at the moment because the US border is very hostile to Canadians, I don’t think Americans are aware of just how bad it is, trump lost his frickin mind when Canada would not back down from the USA, he lost his little tarrif war, that hurt the USA far more than Canada,so he declared Canada a National security threat….because of the war of 1812… yup, you read that right. lol So now the US Border are behaving like total dicks to Canadians.
I HAD a Daddy who is also an American, and he couldn’t travel, again that falls on me 😦 he is a new Daddy, I was his first little, I usually do NOT get involved with inexperienced people in the BDSM/Ss/DDlg/MDlg communities at all, I have been in the BDSM world for decades, I am not some young naive girl, I have a 17 yr old son and was married 18 years (my partner is deceaced)… He got too possessive, I am polyamorous, I am also pansexual, neither of which he seems to be able to understand, and he really messed up bad by pointing my actual age out to me and told me that women my age don’t change careers and become strippers… WTF!, for the record I have a body that puts most 20 yr olds to shame, tho I am small chested, but I am all natural, so yep his ignorance really destroyed me to be honest, that may sound rediculous to everyone else on the planet, but then, you don’t know my history or what I have been through in my life that would make me that sensitive about my age.
I really don’t have any selfconfidence anymore, he took that away from me, I only had self confidence since July 2017 when Angie dated me, she built me up and her friend DK was a massive help, again you wont understand because you don’t know my history, September 2018 he got mad at me, said very hurtful things and now here I am stripped of all my confidence, I look in the mirror all I see is ugly now, I quit pole dance class, I was in them for exercise and fun and have been told by the instructers that I would do well on a pole in a club, I wanted to do it, why not? but that won’t happen now, Im too ashamed of myself again.
so he isn’t my Daddy now, I am just a friend, he still loves me, I tell him I love you to just to shut him up, I don’t hardly talk to him anymore.
So, as I said earlier, I live in the country, I am isolated, and very lonely, and I am sure no one will want to be with me now, cuz lets face it, Im not some 20 something year old eye candy anymore and that is all everyone wants, you get above age 35 and your fucking life is about over unless you are married, doesn’t work like that for men, the older they get the more handsome and attractive they become, goes the opposite way for women, I havent had physical contact with anyone since the beginning of June, I don’t mean sexually, I have toys I can get myself off, I am talking hugs and cuddles, just to be held, that wont happen either, so yeah, I am lonely, very lonely, and yes it hurts, but it is what it is
even though I accepted that I will never be hugged again anytime soon, sure doesn’t take the hurt and lonelyness away. I do struggle hard finding reasons to make it through just 1 more day, I just hide it well, if I can make someone else laff even for a few minutes so they momentarily forget their problems then it’s worth it, makes me feel good to help others and for a few moments I forget how lonely I am, also makes me forget about my lack of self confidence, maybe things will be different next year, I am going to move to Calgary Alberta, maybe in a large city like that I might meet another lonely soul that needs a hug too.
I don’t know if I will stay in the BDSM DDlg community now, jeff is right im getting older so I dont see the point anymore, maybe its time to just walk away and go searching for someone to cuddle with which is wishful thinking on my part, I wont get hugs those are for the younger people, I have my guitars and my career ( music industry if you hadn’t figured that out by now) so I guess that will have to do, I don’t even want to do that now, I lost the passion for music, for life, I simply exist now, I keep working cuz I have my son otherwise I’d jump in my car and just drive to nowhere in particular just drive, I’d abandon my house and everything in it, but I cant because I have my son back.
Sorry for the depressing post, and for the length, it is my journal after all,